What if I Just Disappeared?

“What if I just disappeared?”

I’ve thought that very thought many times throughout my life. Often when I’m emotionally distraught, hopeless, and so deeply alone. This time it was triggered by a series of events—by multiple people I love and who are supposed to love me—that left me incredibly unseen, misunderstood, and rejected.

I didn’t say anything about it.
I didn’t speak my mind.
Didn’t find the words to describe the impact.

I was lost in the emotion and felt like enough had been said through action...

I am not loved.
I am not heard.
I am not cared for.
I will never feel the sacred love, acceptance, and connection I’m searching for...

So...

What if?
I disappeared?

The kind of disappearance that fades into nothing.
Like fireworks the moment after the pop.
Or like memories.

If we’re being honest, that’s all I am to others.

If I were to disappear, some might be sad, angry, or confused,
but as time goes on, I’d become nothing more than a moment in time,
in the minds of those who are still here.

Some people would probably question our interactions—
if they could have or should have done more—
but then... that would be that.
Time would pass.
And I’d just be another moment in someone else’s life.

While I was in this emotional spiral—
a spiral that struck my hopeless, misunderstood childhood wound for the first time in a while (yoohoo—healing😮‍💨)—
I was a bit more curious about this thought.
Even though I was feeling the intensity of the pain—
the “I actually feel my chest shattering” kind of pain—
I realized some things in a visceral way for the first time,
even though I’ve heard similar sentiments before:

You can’t live YOUR life for others at the detriment of YOURSELF.

Why would you do that?
If you were gone tomorrow, are you comfortable saying..:

"I lived to make someone else’s life comfy while I was super uncomfy. I didn’t speak my lived experience, my truth, because I was scared of others opinions or thoughts. I made decisions solely based on what others think... and their life continues without me."

Sounds bonkers. It truly does.

You have to be the MAIN character
and figure out who your supporting characters are—
your love interests, your static characters, your heroes, your villains, your enemies, etc.

YOU get to choose.
Who only gets a footnote?

And of course, your life’s story will objectively suck in some ways along the way.
But that doesn’t mean the PLOT disappears—
not if you still want it to be told.

While I know some people might find my spiral overdramatic, my point is to remind you:
others only have the power you let them have over you.

I want to take a more active role in my life.
If I speak up more instead of holding everything in—
if I start living more raw, more me—
maybe I find my people.
Maybe the people who are here now won’t stick around.
Maybe they can’t handle it.
Maybe someone else can.

I’d rather live my life as me
than suffer as who I’ve been programmed, trained, and molded to be.